(Okay, yes, I know, it's almost February. I promise I'll write about winter break when I have the proper amount of time and the right mindset. Sorry.)
I fucking hate this.
I'm fucking tired of being angry.
I'm tired of stupid little shit pissing me off.
Why can't I just let shit go?
I've tried breathing exercises, counting to ten, all that shit. It doesn't work.
Why?
Why am I so goddamn angry all the goddamn time?
I'm tired of being filled with rage.
I enjoy schadenfreude way too much.
I'm harsh and snarky and cynical and sarcastic and pessimistic.
When I'm not angry, I'm sad or just... numb. Very rarely am I content (like when I'm having a good time with my friends or Ryo sends me a sweet message), and even rarer are my moments of actual happiness.
I'm sure my friends are sick of my shittastic attitude as well.
FUCK.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
What Might Have Been
Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind...
I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...
So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say good bye, and turn and walk away...
And try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know, what might have been
"What Might Have Been" by Lonestar
Yes, I know, "WTF SHE KNOWS A COUNTRY SONG!?" It's all I used to hear with my mom in the car and stuff as a kid.
Ignoring the country part...
Brandon was kind enough to walk me to the station tonight after our Kanji class. He's from Portland, so talking to him got me kinda nostalgic about Pacific, and our conversation made me think of various "What if I had..." scenarios.
Life is choices and trade-offs and sacrifices. I've learned that the hard way.
What if I had gone on the Euro trip before college?
What if I had stayed in Alaska?
What if I had stayed at Pacific?
What if I had stayed here for this past summer?
Some of the possible answers to these questions make me shudder (hooray hindsight being 20/20, yeah?). And yet, some of them make me sad that I'm missing out on certain things.
I know it's stupid to wonder about that kind of thing, but I think it's normal and unavoidable.
I've left behind family, close friends, and lovers to try to follow my dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I've made a mistake. Other times I'm glad I made that choice.
rabblerabble /emoness
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind...
I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...
So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say good bye, and turn and walk away...
And try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin' in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know, what might have been
"What Might Have Been" by Lonestar
Yes, I know, "WTF SHE KNOWS A COUNTRY SONG!?" It's all I used to hear with my mom in the car and stuff as a kid.
Ignoring the country part...
Brandon was kind enough to walk me to the station tonight after our Kanji class. He's from Portland, so talking to him got me kinda nostalgic about Pacific, and our conversation made me think of various "What if I had..." scenarios.
Life is choices and trade-offs and sacrifices. I've learned that the hard way.
What if I had gone on the Euro trip before college?
What if I had stayed in Alaska?
What if I had stayed at Pacific?
What if I had stayed here for this past summer?
Some of the possible answers to these questions make me shudder (hooray hindsight being 20/20, yeah?). And yet, some of them make me sad that I'm missing out on certain things.
I know it's stupid to wonder about that kind of thing, but I think it's normal and unavoidable.
I've left behind family, close friends, and lovers to try to follow my dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I've made a mistake. Other times I'm glad I made that choice.
rabblerabble /emoness
Saturday, January 1, 2011
First Dir en grey Fanclub Show
So as the title says, I went to my first fan club show on 12/27. The show was at Zepp Tokyo, which is in Odaiba, kinda close to ShinKiba for those of you not very familiar with Tokyo.
I was ticket #230, meaning I was really close up front. There were literally two or three people in front of me, then the guard rail, then security pit, then the stage.
I was pleasantly surprised with the set list. They played stuff from GAUZE and MACABRE. Very pleased. It was a great mix of old and new stuff.
Set list from the show:
Mazohyst of Decadence
Obscure
Zan
Merciless Cult
Doukoku to Sarinu
Agitated Screams of Maggots
The Deeper Vileness
Bugaboo
Spilled Milk
Deity
Dozing Green
Hydra -666-
Repetition of Hatred
Beautiful Dirt
Reiketsu Nariseba
Encore:
Ain't Afraid to Die
Lotus
The IIID Empire
Increase Blue
Stuck Man
Hageshisa to Kono Mune no Naka de Karamitsuita Shakunetsu no Yami
On the train from Osaki-eki to Tokyo Teleport (a station close to Zepp), I saw a girl with a Dir en grey bag sitting across from me. Her name was Maria, she and her boyfriend Jun were going to the show. Apparently she's 31! She doesn't look it. We met up with some of her other friends and went to the venue. I had to part with them though because I needed to find a coin locker and they had lower ticket numbers.
There was a decent number of foreigners there, which is good. I wish Kris, Sarah, Jacey, Heather, and Robby could've been with me.
It was a tight-packed show. I was surrounded by short girls and relatively tall guys, but I could still see just fine.
Once again, I got a good view of Kyo, Toshiya, and Kaoru. I don't think they ever change places on stage except when they're runnin around.
Kyo came out onstage with raybans and a fedora... and then revealed his disturbingly shaved head to us all. Blegh.
Toshiya as usual was wearing a skirt, but he also had on a suit jacket, vest, button up shirt, and tie. It was really cute.
I could barely ever see Shinya, which is normal. He's still entirely too thin.
Die looked like he was in a hair care product commercial the entire time, cuz he was right under the aircon.
Kaoru looked like terrifying badass leader-sama, as usual.
Kyo's pronunciation of Russian is still not the best, lol.
My body hurt so bad after the show, especially my feet and head. Elbows hurt when they slam into your head. At Diru shows, even when you don't wanna jump or headbang, you have to, because it's so crowded and tightly packed.
My throat also hurt from screaming/growling/singing along.
The feeling I get when I'm at a Dir en grey show is what I imagine devout Christians feel when they go to church.
Although, while waiting for the encore, I almost feel asleep. I had no energy because I hadn't eaten yet that day.
They finally came back on for the encore, and the piano intro to Ain't afraid to die came on.
I. LOST. MY. SHIT.
I started bawling. Not just crying, I mean huge wracking sobs. I felt a rib pop. That song is so setsunai, meaning sad and nostalgic. I was the only one, either. The crying girl next to me took my hand and held it, like Mikan did at the Miyavi show in Roppongi when he played Girls, be ambitious. It's shit like that makes me proud to be a member of the Domestic Fucker Family, a Japanese Zombie Hero (and adopted honorary CoMiyavi).
If I hadn't been packed in so tightly, I would have crumpled to the floor. I haven't cried that hard since Dakota dropped me off at PDX, which was the last day I saw pretty much most of my Pacific friends.
That song has so much meaning and memory for me, that to hear them play it at my first fanclub show was beautiful and sad and awesome all at the same time.
This is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpy36zgc-xA Please note the video has pretty much nothing to do with the song, as is the case with most VK PVs.
The next song they played, LOTUS, is their new single, which hasn't been released yet. It sounds pretty good.
I wanted to buy a shirt after the show, but the line for goods was crazy long. =( Sad panda.
Gackt sent Shinya flowers. o.0;
I didn't stick around for demachi because I wanted to get home on time.
(I'll write about the holidays later, I promise)
I was ticket #230, meaning I was really close up front. There were literally two or three people in front of me, then the guard rail, then security pit, then the stage.
I was pleasantly surprised with the set list. They played stuff from GAUZE and MACABRE. Very pleased. It was a great mix of old and new stuff.
Set list from the show:
Mazohyst of Decadence
Obscure
Zan
Merciless Cult
Doukoku to Sarinu
Agitated Screams of Maggots
The Deeper Vileness
Bugaboo
Spilled Milk
Deity
Dozing Green
Hydra -666-
Repetition of Hatred
Beautiful Dirt
Reiketsu Nariseba
Encore:
Ain't Afraid to Die
Lotus
The IIID Empire
Increase Blue
Stuck Man
Hageshisa to Kono Mune no Naka de Karamitsuita Shakunetsu no Yami
On the train from Osaki-eki to Tokyo Teleport (a station close to Zepp), I saw a girl with a Dir en grey bag sitting across from me. Her name was Maria, she and her boyfriend Jun were going to the show. Apparently she's 31! She doesn't look it. We met up with some of her other friends and went to the venue. I had to part with them though because I needed to find a coin locker and they had lower ticket numbers.
There was a decent number of foreigners there, which is good. I wish Kris, Sarah, Jacey, Heather, and Robby could've been with me.
It was a tight-packed show. I was surrounded by short girls and relatively tall guys, but I could still see just fine.
Once again, I got a good view of Kyo, Toshiya, and Kaoru. I don't think they ever change places on stage except when they're runnin around.
Kyo came out onstage with raybans and a fedora... and then revealed his disturbingly shaved head to us all. Blegh.
Toshiya as usual was wearing a skirt, but he also had on a suit jacket, vest, button up shirt, and tie. It was really cute.
I could barely ever see Shinya, which is normal. He's still entirely too thin.
Die looked like he was in a hair care product commercial the entire time, cuz he was right under the aircon.
Kaoru looked like terrifying badass leader-sama, as usual.
Kyo's pronunciation of Russian is still not the best, lol.
My body hurt so bad after the show, especially my feet and head. Elbows hurt when they slam into your head. At Diru shows, even when you don't wanna jump or headbang, you have to, because it's so crowded and tightly packed.
My throat also hurt from screaming/growling/singing along.
The feeling I get when I'm at a Dir en grey show is what I imagine devout Christians feel when they go to church.
Although, while waiting for the encore, I almost feel asleep. I had no energy because I hadn't eaten yet that day.
They finally came back on for the encore, and the piano intro to Ain't afraid to die came on.
I. LOST. MY. SHIT.
I started bawling. Not just crying, I mean huge wracking sobs. I felt a rib pop. That song is so setsunai, meaning sad and nostalgic. I was the only one, either. The crying girl next to me took my hand and held it, like Mikan did at the Miyavi show in Roppongi when he played Girls, be ambitious. It's shit like that makes me proud to be a member of the Domestic Fucker Family, a Japanese Zombie Hero (and adopted honorary CoMiyavi).
If I hadn't been packed in so tightly, I would have crumpled to the floor. I haven't cried that hard since Dakota dropped me off at PDX, which was the last day I saw pretty much most of my Pacific friends.
That song has so much meaning and memory for me, that to hear them play it at my first fanclub show was beautiful and sad and awesome all at the same time.
This is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpy36zgc-xA Please note the video has pretty much nothing to do with the song, as is the case with most VK PVs.
The next song they played, LOTUS, is their new single, which hasn't been released yet. It sounds pretty good.
I wanted to buy a shirt after the show, but the line for goods was crazy long. =( Sad panda.
Gackt sent Shinya flowers. o.0;
I didn't stick around for demachi because I wanted to get home on time.
(I'll write about the holidays later, I promise)
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